Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just found a bag of teeth...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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