I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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