I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
