ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
