last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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