Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
