Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
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Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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