mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
