Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize