When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
