Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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