At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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