Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
