blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
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Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
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We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂