I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.