so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
