My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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