Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
