All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
