i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
