i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
