They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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