turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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