He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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