Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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