tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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