Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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