her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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