everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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