I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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