Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
