The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
