Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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