Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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