if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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