And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
