i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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