Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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