I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We need to get me chipped asap
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
