I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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