He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
