You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
