I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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