Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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