you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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