Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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