Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Someone came in the potted fern
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
