I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This baby is an asshole
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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