Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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