Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
