I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
