Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
