i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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