Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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