Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
3pm strippers are depressing
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize