Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
