I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
