so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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