I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
